Walking Through Faith in Challenging Days
October 10-12, 2022
Walking through faith during extreme trials means learning to carry physical weakness while clinging to spiritual truth. These entries reflect a few days in October 2022, capturing the balance between pain, fatigue, family life, and trusting God throughout it all.
October 10
5:30 stomach hurts bad enough to wake me. Need to use restroom. Headache. Neuropathy in extremities isn’t as bad as y’day but is still there and noticeable.
Song; ♫Middle of My Storm ♫
Scripture: Proverbs 29:20-21; Matthew 5-7; Romans 5:1-5
Bloody nose. If I’m understanding things correctly, the times when I have the most recurring bloody noses is when my blood counts are the lowest – more anemic than usual? Taking B Vitamins are most likely just keeping me above the mark to not get blood transfusion. My head is pounding.
Joe encouraged me to call Dr about being dehydrated to get fluids (diarrhea, headache, bloody noses, difficulty eating and drinking, lightheaded, fatigued, dry mouth, thirsty). Will have a nurse call me to let me know what time they can get me in today. I was really looking forward to going to the beach, but this might be more important.
9:05 Chilling tingling sensation in lower back to lower part of spine.
Jakob called to chat and get advice. Let him know that I was waiting on call from Dr office. Need fluids.
10:00 Dr office finally called. Acted as if she didn’t know why I called. Explained reason. Informed her that I was in route to Dr office because I hadn’t recvd call back yet. Informed her that I called last Wednesday and no one returned my call. She tried to tell me that I just couldn’t show up. To which I informed her that Dr George told me that I could come to office when I felt I needed fluids. Let her know I was about 5 minutes out.
Joe tells me to take a deep breath and chill.
10:15 signed in at front desk. Informed that I’ll have a bit of a wait because they don’t have my orders in yet. Ugh!
Taking this time to balance checkbook. I’m off but I won’t be able to finish until I get home. Recently changed registers so I need to check previous plus use computer to help with calculations.
10:53 called back. Weight 166. Temp 98. Bp 112/68
Nurse: Jada. Wasn’t sure if I’d met her before. She informed me we’d met. Told her I’d try to remember next time.
Fluids will take about an hour.
Met a lady getting immune therapy. She lives in Bayou. Gave her a tract. Invited her to church. Told her my husband was the Pastor. She asked if I attended. Told her Yes. She said she might come sometime.
My eyes hurt and feel weird – like cross eyedish. Headache. Lethargic and tired feeling. Slight bloody nose.
12:00 headache has eased. Neuropathy has eased but still noticeable.
Grocery shopping for the week. Joe helped. Home to heat up lunch. Joe helped put food away, picked up, and vacuum living room.
Able to eat lunch. It tastes sooo good. I’ll probably regret the cheese later, but I feel like I’m starving.
2:45 I’m exhausted and cannot push anymore. Need to take a nap. Playing wholetones music.
3:38 Note to self: eating salty foods when you have salty taste in your mouth is probably not a good idea
Let Joe know that I’m feeling exhausted and very tired. He gets upset with me and tells me I need to start taking turns taking Dezirae to piano lessons. I say nothing. I don’t even know how to respond.
My initial thought is to lash out irrationally. I’m hurt. I asked God to help. I don’t know how I should think or act about his response.
I’m not feeling well. Skin all over feels excessively swollen. Severe tingling throughout body. Lethargic and tired. Ears ringing. Tears trickling. I’m scared.
Joe has me check my BP. It’s 119/90 hr is 108
We end up in heated discussion due to something I said a couple days ago. Plus we were both upset because we didn’t get to go to beach like we planned. We’re stressed out over all the cancer stuff as well. We were eventually able to talk things out in a span of couple hours.
I’m struggling with comprehending and registering things being said. Memory is slipping a little again. I get so wore out easily. Even folding a load of clothes wears me out as I have to rest in order to be able to put them away. Joe having difficulty understand the degree of lethargy and pain I’m in when he has back pain daily. He’s wondering if I should even be left alone during the day. He wants me to push myself more. I had to remind him that I’m sick for the first week following chemo and can’t hardly do anything. Second week I’m gradually increasing strength and stamina. Third week is when I feel the best and can get the most done. Chemotherapy is very hard on the body. I’m not eating well because my digestive tract is all messed up. This past week the mouth sores were so bad I couldn’t even eat much for several days. A couple days I couldn’t hardly swallow which makes even drinking fluids difficult.
Explained that while I have slipped and haven’t done it much lately, I read my Bible morning and night so as to have scripture on my mind regularly. This is to gird my mind to protect from the wiles of the devil. I don’t want to talk to a secular psychiatrist because I don’t want them messing with my mind. I don’t want to end up like so many others who forgot to gird their minds in the ministry that they made a mistake that cost them their ministry. I need help in everything.
Thankful…
- We were able to get things talked out
- Able to get fluids to help me start feeling better
- Joe helped me with grocery shopping today
- Read two chapters in Psalms together before bed.
Had to asked what 2nd Psalm meant. Explained that I sometimes have to read 3 or 4 commentaries just to understand what I’m reading. Then I can journal what it’s saying to me.
October 11
4:00 woke to severe stinging pain in hands and arms. Head pounding.
4:38 Took Excedrin for headache. Took time catching up on journaling. Maybe I should go back to writing it on paper so I’m not on my phone as much.
Song: Middle of My Storm
Scripture: Psalm 62:2; Matthew 8; Luke 7; Psalm 62:5-7
Need to get up to help Dezirae study for exams today.
Able to do quite a bit today – wash, dry, and put away two loads clothes, empty trash cans, put away dishes, clean out fridge, load dishwasher and run it, clean microwave, transplant crepe myrtle tree, plants gala apple seeds, and trim some branches. Rested in between chores
Somehow, I got my days mixed up and showed up for my physical therapy appointment a day early. They were pleasant and willing to accommodate by letting me come back at 5pm. Couldn’t make it tomorrow anyways.
PT was Bri today. In conversation, learned that I was at PT at USA at same time she was attending college. Her mentor was my physical therapist! PT was only 30 minutes today since last time put me down two days. Did endurance exercises, core exercises, and walked treadmill for 5 minutes today. Feel pretty good today.
Noticed having trouble with trying to do two tasks at once. Frustrating, but managed to push through.
Dinner is leftovers. Took plate of dinner to neighbors to check on status of husband. He is still in hospital and not doing well. Good news is that he didn’t have a stroke. Asking for fervent prayer and fasting for a miracle.
October 12
5:40 I’m exhausted and having trouble getting up
Song: here with me?
Scripture: Proverbs 1:8-9; Matthew 11
I think I’ll be resting today so I’ll have enough energy to go to church tonight. I’m exhausted and hurting all over. We’re supposed to have thunderstorms all day as well which doesn’t help.
Psalms 34:4-5
